ALRIGHT NERDS, CONTEST’S OVER.

I’D PICK WINNERS TONIGHT, BUT I HAVE TO WRITE A FUCKIN ESSAY ABOUT MYSTICISM AND THE POWER OF NATURE IN THE NEXT HOUR, SO EHHH.

WINNERS WILL BE CONTACTED TOMORROW.

BARD™

RESERVE SHOOTER REVIEW BITCHES

ALRIGHT YOU PAINT HUFFERS LET ME SHOW YOU THE MOST OP PYRO WEAPON THAT HAS EVER BEEN GIFTED TO THE TF2 COMMUNITY SINCE THE BACKBURNER WAS RELEASED: THE RESERVE SHOOTER

NOW YOU MIGHT BE SAYING “BUT OP WEAPONS ARE BAD OMG!”

IF YOU’RE SAYING THAT, YOU NEED TO REALIZE PEOPLE WILL USE OP WEAPONS NO MATTER WHAT SO JUST FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE (PUN INTENDED).

AS YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU ARE A PYRO, OTHER PYROS ARE GOD DAMN BITCHES TO KILL ON THE BATTLE FIELD. YOU CAN’T LIGHT THEM UP SO AXTINGUISHER ISN’T AN OPTION AND NEITHER IS THE FLARE GUNS SO THAT LEAVES YOU WITH THE SHOTGUN AND THE GODDAMN MELEE UNLESS YOU WANNA SPIN IN CIRCLES FOR FIVE MINUTES TRYING TO STICK YOUR FLAMETHROWER UP THEIR ASS.

WITH THE RESERVE SHOOTER KILLING THEM IS AS EASY AS ONE RIGHT CLICK AND A SCROLL. W+M1 PYROS WILL BE NO MATCH FOR YOUR RIGHT CLICKING SKILLS.

NOT ONLY IS IT GREAT AGAINST PYROS BUT ITS GREAT AGAINST ENEMIES THAT ARE USUALLY IN THE AIR ALREADY LIKE SOLDIERS AND SCOUTS. A FEW SHOTS AND ALL THE ENEMY ROCKET JUMPERS AND SODA POPPERS WILL BE ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES BEGGING FOR MERCY.

IF YOU ARE AFRAID YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SWITCH WEAPONS FAST ENOUGH TO BLAST AND SHOOT, DON’T BE.

IT HAS 15% FASTER WEAPON SWITCH. STILL NOT TICKLING YOUR PICKLE? USE THE DEGREASER WITH IT, WHICH NOT ONLY GIVES YOU THE 15% SPEED BOOST BUT ADDS 65%, WHICH GIVES IT A WHOPPING 80% SPEED INCREASE.

YOU WILL SWITCH WEAPONS FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF SOUND. SONIC WILL BE IN AWE AT HOW FAST YOUR HANDS MOVE AND EVERY TIME ANY SCOUT SEES YOU SWITCHING TO THE RESERVE SHOOTER THEY WILL CRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD ALSO BE FUN TO USE WITH THE DEGREASER AND THE RESERVE SHOOTER? THE AXTINGUISHER.

IT MAKES SWITCHING EASY AND QUICK SO IT HELPS WITH NOT ONLY THE RESERVE SHOOTER BUT THE AXTINGUISHER AS WELL.

MAKE THE ENEMY TEAM YOUR BITCH WITH MINI CRITS SO FAR UP THEIR ASS YOU CAN SEE THEM DOWN THEIR THROATS.

YOU KNOW WHAT’S THE BEST PART? IT DOESNT DOWN THE BASE DAMAGE IF THEY AREN’T IN THE AIR.

THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS THE 35% SMALLER CLIP SIZE, SO IF THAT KILLS THE BONER THAT THE UPSIDES OF THIS BEAUTIFUL SHOTGUN GAVE YOU THEN YOU CAN STICK WITH THE STOCK SHOTGUN OR WHATEVER.

IN CONCLUSION, THE RESERVE SHOOTER IS ONE OF THE BEST WEAPONS FOR PYRO IN THE GAME AS SECONDARY WEAPONS GO.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

REMINDER THAT THE CONTEST IS STILL GOING ON UNTIL 8 PM EST TONIGHT! GET YOUR LAST MINUTE ENTRIES IN!

BARD™

HELP, I GOT STUCK WITH PYRO ON HIGHLANDER

STRATEGY REVIEW (COMBO-ING IS NOT A LEGITIMATE STRATEGY. BUT IT IS STILL COOL. SO COOL, SO VERY COOL.)

 

YOUR TEAM GAVE YOU PYRO? MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL, THE ONLY CLASS WORSE OFF IS SPY (BUT THE AMBY MAKES HIM INTO A BETTER SNIPER, SO IT’S ALL GOOD.)

 

BUT YES. I’M GUESSING THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY THAT LITTLE MYSTERY KNOWN AS THE PYRO. LET’S START WITH A FEW QUESTIONS.

 

Read More

That one time the Volcano Fragment is good for something other than scrap (weapon review, joke?)

THIS… IS PROBABLY EITHER THE STUPIDEST OR THE HARDEST CHALLENGE I’VE EVER DONE.

FOR REFERENCE, THE SHARPENED VOLCANO FRAGMENT HAS THE ABILITY TO IGNITE TARGETS ON HIT, AT THE COST OF 20% BASE MELEE DAMAGE. NOW, IT’S VERY EASY TO GO OFF ON A 10-PAGE RANT/ESSAY ABOUT HOW REDUNDANCY MAKES THE VOLCANO FRAGMENT A TERRIBLE WEAPON, SINCE THE PYRO ALWAYS HAS FLAMETHROWER THAT DOES ESSENTIALLY THE SAME JOB WITH BETTER RANGE AND DAMAGE. BUT THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF BLOG, SO I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHEN IT IS ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT USEFUL: DEGROOT KEEP (AND HOW MANY OTHER USER-CREATED MEDIEVAL MAPS.)

NORMALLY ON THIS MAP THERE ARE ONLY TWO MEDKITS ON THE ENTIRE MAP, AND ONE OF THEM IS INSIDE THE KEEP ITSELF. YOUR (AND EVERYONE ELSE’S) PRIMARY SOURCE OF HEALTH IS THE SMALL MEDKITS THAT POP OUT OF EVERYBODY’S CORPSES LIKE THEY WERE A MEAT PINATA. SO IF YOU’RE TOO CARELESS, YOUR AFTERBURN DAMAGE IS NEGATED RIGHT OUT AFTER YOU DIE. BUT ONCE YOU GET THE INS AND OUTS OF MELEE DUELS, THIS WEAPON SUDDENLY BECOMES A LEGITIMATE THREAT IF YOU HIT THEM EVEN ONCE BECAUSE IT PUTS PRESSURE ON THEM TO KILL YOU OR SOMEBODY ELSE RIGHT AWAY, OTHERWISE THE AFTERBURN IS GOING TO KILL THEM WHILE YOU’RE PLAYING KEEP AWAY. ADDITIONALLY, THE FRAGMENT’S MAIN DAMAGE STILL COUNTS AS REGULAR MELEE DAMAGE, SO THE ONLY THING THAT THE DEMOKNIGHT’S SHIELDS ARE GOING TO AFFECT IS THE AFTERBURN, WHILE THE FRAGMENT STILL DEALS A MODEST 52 DAMAGE PER HIT. HELL WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE, VACCINATOR MEDICS ON OTHER MAPS AREN’T AS DANGEROUS TO YOU, SINCE YOU CAN STILL MURDER THEM EVEN IF THEY SWITCHED RESISTANCES TO FIRE TO NEUTER YOUR FLAMETHROWER.

OKAY MOTHERFUCKERS, IT’S TIME FOR A MOTHERFUCKING LESSON SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

SEE THIS SHIT? IT’S A GOD DAMN BACK SCRATCHER. THIS UNHOLY BEAST FROM THE 7 PITS OF HELL DEALS 25% MORE DAMAGE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS SCRUB? IT MEANS THAT EACH SWING DOES 82 DAMAGE, WHICH CAN 2 HIT KILL GERMAN PSYCHOPATHS AND ROBOT HAND TOTING COWBOY PUSSIES FROM TEXAS. CRITS ALSO DO AN ABSURD AMOUNT OF DAMAGE AND ONE HIT KILL RPG SCRUBLORDS. AND THAT’S NOT ALL YOU FUCK. THIS GOD DAMN GARDENING TOOL ALSO GIVES YOU 50% MORE HEALTH PER MEDKIT, MAKING YOU DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE TO KILL IN DEGROOT KEEP. AW YEAH STICK IT TO THOSE DEMOKNIGHT CROISSANTS YOU BAGUETTE. DOWN SIDE IS THAT MEDICS AND DISPENSERS ARE SLOW AS FUCK WHEN IT COMES TO HEALING, BUT EVEN THIS MAKES THIS WEAPON GOD TIER EVEN ABOVE META KNIGHT. THE SLOWER HEAL RATE FOR MEDICS MEANS THAT YOU CAN HELP BUILD AN UBER FOR THAT SLEAZY FUCK, THOUGH YOU STILL WANT TO GIVE THAT CHARGE TO SOMEONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY POCKET WELL.

ALL IN ALL THIS IS A GREAT WEAPON FOR PYROS WHO WANT MORE OUT OF THEIR MEDKITS (YOU GREEDY FUCKS) AND WHO WANT TO DEAL ASSLOADS OF DAMAGE.

-OOZIE

OKAY SO I THINK I’M GONNA PUT AN END TO THE CONTEST ON MONDAY. AROUND 4 PM EST I’LL PICK THE WINNERS. 

UNTIL THEN- KEEP SENDING ‘EM IN! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AT THIS SHIT. KEEP IT GOOD, KIDS.

BARD™

MORE LIKE TEAM FARTRESS 2

HAHAHAHAHA

BARD™

Neon Annihilator (Weapon Review, Pyro Contest)

WATER. NECESSARY FOR LIFE ON EARTH AND YET THE PYRO’S #1 ENEMY.

UNLESS YOU HAVE THE NEON ANNIHILATOR, THE AXTINGUISHER’S ODD COUSIN THAT THEY ONLY SEE AND TALK TO ON FACEBOOK. THIS MELEE GETS FULL CRITS IF THE ENEMY IS WET, AT THE COST OF NO RANDOM CRITS (MEH) AND A -20% TO ITS BASE POWER. SO PEOPLE DIVING INTO ANY WATER LAUGHING THAT YOU’RE COMPLETELY USELESS ARE GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH WHEN YOU SMITE THEM WITH SEVERAL VOLTS OF “FUCK YOU POSEIDON.”
"FANTASTIC GENO9999," YOU SAY SARCASTICALLY, "THAT MAKES THE WEAPON SOMEWHAT USEFUL, ON LIKE, TWO MAPS." AH, BUT THE WEAPON CARD DIDN’T SPECIFY IF THE ENEMY NEEDED TO BE WET WITH WATER DID IT? IT JUST SIMPLY SAID THAT THEY HAD TO BE WET. THAT MEANS THAT ENEMIES COVERED IN MAD MILK AND JARATE WILL ALSO RECEIVE FULL CRITS. IF THAT ISN’T ENOUGH, THIS WEAPON CAN ALSO REMOVE SAPPERS. NOW EVERY ENGINEER WANTS TO BE YOUR STEAM FRIEND BECAUSE YOU SAVED THEIR STUFF WHILE THEY WERE EITHER DEAD OR RUNNING AROUND GRABBING METAL. IN SHORT, THIS IS A GREAT TEAM-SUPPORT WEAPON THAT CAPITALIZES ON COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR FELLOW TEAMMATES, NAMELY YOUR SCOUTS, SNIPERS, AND ENGINEERS.

KNOW WHAT TO DO PYBRO!

IF YOU AINT GOOD WITH THE OFFENSIVE TACTICS:
-WAIT
-DISTRACT
-DOUBLE BACK
-JUMP

HANG THE FUCK BACK WITH YOUR SNIPER AND ENGIE HAVE A BEER OR WHATEVER.
SPIES ARE OUT TO EAT THEIR ASSES FOR BREAKFAST AND YOU CAN STOP THOSE BURNT-CROISSANT BOYS AND SHOVE THOSE BAGUETTES BACK UP THEIR ASSES!
NOT ONLY CAN YOU SAVE THE OUTBACK STEAK HOUSE MAN AND FATTY MCTECH BY BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE PIECES OF BACKSTABBING FROUFROUS, YOU CAN ALSO LIGHT ARROWS ON FIRE, POOF BACK ANY TYPE OF PROJECTILE! (TAKE THAT YOU ROCKET JUMPING JERK! OH WHAT? THOUGHT YOU COULD THROW YOUR QUESTIONABLE BOTTLE WITH WHITE GOO AT US? WRONG)

OH AND IF YOU CARRY A SAPPER-DESTROYER YOUR ENGIE WILL BE YOUR BITCH AT ALL TIMES.