PSABACKPEDALING AS SPY

IF YOU RUN INTO THE ENEMY BASE DISGUISED AS AN ENEMY, YOU’RE GOING TO GET SHOT AT REAL FUCKING HARD.

IF YOU BACKPEDAL INTO THE ENEMY BASE WHILE CALLING “HELP!” AND “MEDIC!” YOU’RE MUCH LESS LIKELY TO BE SHOT AT. 

BARD™

primevaldialga said: THANKS TO THIS BLOG, I HAVE DISCOVERED THE AMAZINGNESS THAT IS THE SHOTGUN PYRO. THANK YOU AND KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK MAN

BARD™

racwade said: IF YOU COULD TAKE ONE MELEE WEAPON FROM ANY CLASS AND TURN IT INTO AN ALL-CLASS MELEE WEAPON, WHICH WOULD YOU PICK? AND WHY?

DEFINITELY THE EQUALIZER FOR ME. IT WORKS FOR BASICALLY EVERYONE EXCEPT SPY, BECAUSE DUH. I LIKE THE INCREASED DAMAGE IN EXCHANGE FOR HEALTH MECHANIC, AND IT ESPECIALLY WOULD MAKE AN INCREDIBLE DEMOKNIGHT SWORD. 

OTHER THAN THAT, THE CABER. THAT HAS TO BE IN THERE, HEH.

TFHT, IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE, WANNA JUMP IN ON THIS ONE TOO?

BARD™ 

hadronkaleidoscope said: I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION IS, ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO "YOU'RE FUCKED, SON", HOW TRULY HORRENDOUS IS THE ROCKET JUMPER/GUNBOATS/PAIN TRAIN COMBO ON A MAP WITHOUT POINTS OR PAYLOADS?

"YOU’RE FUCKED, GRANDSON."

BARD™

FULL DISCLOSURE: THIS IS LONG. AWESOME, BUT LONG.
FOR SOME GODDAMNED REASON, TUMBLR ISN’T LETTING ME PUT A “READ MORE” CUT THINGY ON THIS, SO Y’ALL ARE GETTING THE ENTIRE POST AT ONCE! THIS IS EASILY THE LONGEST SUBMISSION WE’VE EVER GOTTEN, BUT IT’S ONE OF THE BEST, SO STICK WITH IT. KINDA SORRY FOR CLOGGING UP Y’ALLS DASHES. OH FUCKIN’ WELL.
EDITT: FIXED IT, NOW THIS SHIT AIN’T CLOGGING YOUR DASH ANYMORE. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ WELCOME.
THANKS TO HERRCOLONEL FOR THE BEST MEDIC POST EVER MADE ON THIS GOD DAMNED WEBSITE.
BARD™
OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. LET’S SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT THE BLUTSAUGER (WHICH IS GERMAN FOR “I VILL STEAL YOUR HEALTH”) AND THE SOLEMN VOW (ALSO KNOWN AS THE BUST OF HIPPOCRATES, AKA THE GUY WHO SAID DO NO HARM.) 
HAHA, FUCK THAT. WE’RE GOING TO BE HARMING PEOPLE TODAY.
BEFORE I START, KEEP THIS IN MIND: THIS LOADOUT WORKS TWO WAYS — IF YOUR TEAM IS GREAT, AND IF YOUR TEAM IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. YES, IT WORKS FOR BOTH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. SO IF YOU LIKE TO STOMP AROUND VALVE PUBS IN THE HOPE OF ENLIGHTENING YOUR HAPLESS PEERS ABOUT THE GLORY OF COMPETENTLY PLAYING MEDIC, OR IF YOU PREFER TO PLAY ON SERVERS WITH PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO AIM A WEAPON, IT WORKS FOR BOTH. IF YOU’RE SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE, IT WORKS TOO. YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS LOADOUT WORKS NO MATTER WHAT FOR ANY TYPE OF OFFENSE MEDIC.
NOW, BY OFFENSE MEDIC, I’M NOT TALKING BATTLE MEDIC, I.E. DITCHING YOUR TEAMMATES TO GO DRAW BLOOD IN A MORE VIOLENT KIND OF WAY THAN THEY DO IN HOSPITALS. BUT BEING AN OFFENSE MEDIC INVOLVES KNOWING HOW TO ORGANIZE EFFECTIVE KILLS. NOTE THAT THAT DOESN’T NECESSARILY MEAN DOING THE KILLING YOURSELF. MORE ON THAT LATER.
IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE, THERE’S A HANDY LITTLE SFM ILLUSTRATION OF WHAT YOU’LL LOOK LIKE WITH THIS LOADOUT, UP AT THE TOP OF THIS POST. SEE THAT LOOK ON MEDIC’S FACE? THAT LOOK OF COLD, MERCILESS TEUTONIC VENGEANCE? YEAH, YOUR ENEMIES ARE GOING TO GET USED TO SEEING THAT IN THEIR KILLCAMS.*
*I’M NOT KIDDING. SOMEBODY GRABBED A SCREENCAP OF ME IN THEIR KILLCAM. SEE? SAME EXPRESSION. NO ONE ROCKS THAT LOOK OF RIGHTFUL ANGER LIKE A SUITABLY ENRAGED MEDIC. NO ONE.
SCROLL BACK UP FOR A MINUTE. STUDY THAT GLORIOUS BLUTSAUGER + SOLEMN VOW MEDIC.
AFTER YOU STUDY THE GLORIOUSNESS, COME BACK AND…[[MORE]] 
(FULL CREDIT FOR THE SFM POSTER TO ZHAT-MEDIC, A RELIABLY AWESOME MEDIC BLOG.)
LET’S TALK ABOUT THE BLUTSAUGER, AKA THAT ONE SYRINGE GUN WITH THE LITTLE HEART MONITOR SIGN ENGRAVED IN THE SIDE. SEE HOW THAT HEART RATE FLATLINES? YEAH, THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT, ‘CAUSE ONCE YOU’VE FIRED OFF A FEW WELL-PLACED NEEDLES TO THE FACE, YOUR ENEMIES ARE GOING TO NEED A BODY BAG OF THEIR VERY OWN. 
UNFORTUNATELY, MISUSING THIS WEAPON MEANS YOUR HEART RATE MIGHT END UP FLATLINING TOO. IT CUTS DOWN YOUR HEALTH REGEN TO +1 HP PER SECOND IN BATTLE, AND +4 HP OUT OF BATTLE. THIS IS 2 POINTS LESS THAN THE STANDARD SYRINGE GUN, AND IF YOU PLAY MEDIC DEFENSIVELY, THIS PROBABLY ISN’T WELL-SUITED TO YOUR PLAYSTYLE.
BUT IF YOU’VE EVER, EVER FELT THAT POIGNANT YEARNING TO SEE YOUR ENEMIES STUCK FULL OF SHARP-ASS CONTAMINATED NEEDLES, THIS IS THE WEAPON FOR YOU. IT’S HUGELY BENEFICIAL FOR SURVIVAL IF YOU KNOW HOW TO AIM, BECAUSE IT REGAINS 3 HEALTH ON EACH NEEDLE HIT, AND CONSIDERING THAT EACH CLIP HAS 40 NEEDLES, JUST ONE SUCCESSFUL ATTACK WHERE YOU SOMEHOW HIT THE ENEMY WITH ALL YOUR NEEDLES IN A CLIP MEANS YOU’LL GET 120 HEALTH BACK. THAT’S ALMOST FULL HEALTH (MEDIC’S DEFAULT HEALTH IS 150, WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU’RE READING THIS ARTICLE). 
GRANTED, NOBODY’S AIM IS THAT GOOD, SO YOU’LL PROBABLY BE USING UP A COUPLE CLIPS. NEVERTHELESS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WANT TO GET MORE HEALTH? GO ATTACK PEOPLE. SOUNDS COUNTERINTUITIVE, BUT THE BLUTSAUGER IS A MARVELOUS COMBINATION OF METAL, POISONED NEEDLES, AND CONTRADICTIONS. 
HOWEVER, THERE’S STILL A PROBLEM. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO TO SHOOT? HEAVIES HAVE 300 HP APIECE, AND DO WAY MORE DAMAGE IN A FEW SECONDS THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY HOPE TO DO WITH YOUR MEASLY LITTLE NEEDLES. IF YOU DO, YOU’RE GOING TO BE DEADER THAN DEAD. YOU DON’T REALLY WANT THAT, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.
OKAY, SO DON’T ENGAGE THE HEAVIES, SO WHO CAN YOU SHOOT? SOLDIERS ARE RIGHT OUT. USUALLY, SO ARE DEMOS. HIGH HEALTH AND HIGH DAMAGE OUTPUT MEAN, WITH ONE WELL-PLACED ROCKET OR BOMB BLAST, YOU’RE GOING TO GO FROM AN INTACT AND BLOODTHIRSTY GERMAN DOCTOR TO A DISASSEMBLED HEAP OF GUTS THAT ONCE CALLED ITSELF MEDIC. UNTIL RESPAWN KICKS IN, THAT IS. THANK GOODNESS FOR RESPAWN, RIGHT?
SO YOU’VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON ABOUT HEAVIES, SOLDIERS, AND DEMOS. PYROS ARE ALSO RIGHT OUT UNDER THE SAME PRINCIPLE, SINCE THEY CAN GENERALLY INFLICT MORE DAMAGE WITH THEIR FLAMES THAN YOU CAN HOPE TO DO WITH YOUR BLUTSAUGER. WHEN YOU’RE BEING ROASTED TO A CRISP LIKE A PARTICULARLY ENERGETIC PIECE OF BRATWURST, THAT +3 HEALTH REGEN ON HIT DOESN’T HELP YOU MUCH. 
WHO DOES THAT LEAVE?
SPIES, FOR ONE. MAN, THOSE SPIES GO DOWN LIKE CHUMPS WHEN YOU’RE TURNING THE TABLES AND TEACHING THEM ALL ABOUT YOUR GERMAN SUPERIORITY. (DON’T BRING UP WWII, THOUGH.) GRANTED, TO OUTSMART THE SPIES YOU’LL HAVE TO FIRST BE AWARE THAT THEY’RE THERE. AS MEDIC YOU CAN OUTRUN THEM, AND ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO SPYCHECK BY RUNNING AT PEOPLE STRAIGHT ON AND SEEING IF YOU PHASE THROUGH. IF YOU DON’T, YOU NOW KNOW THAT THERE’S A SPY IN YOUR MIDST, AND YOU WON’T HAVE YOUR BACK TURNED TO THEM. THAT’S JUST BASIC ANTI-SPY GAMEPLAY STRATEGY, THOUGH. IT’S RIGHT UP THERE WITH LISTENING FOR THE DECLOAK NOISE AND BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY IT, WHICH YOU SHOULD ALL BE DOING ALREADY. SERIOUSLY.
SO, SPIES ARE GREAT TARGETS TO RECEIVE A HANDFUL OF NEEDLES IN THEIR FANCY FRENCH FACES. WHO ELSE? SNIPERS, UNDER THE SAME PRINCIPLE. IF YOU SOMEHOW GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO ONE TO SHOOT THEM FULL OF NEEDLES, YOU CAN GENERALLY DO SO AND KILL THEM DEAD WITHOUT GREAT RISK TO PERSONAL HEALTH. STAY OUT OF KUKRI RANGE, AND BE CAREFUL IF THEY’RE A HUNTSMAN SNIPER, BUT THEY’RE STILL NOT TOO HARD A TARGET. 
SCOUTS ARE HARD TO HIT BECAUSE OF THEIR SPEED, BUT IF THEY’RE BEING FIRED AT, A LOT OF SCOUTS WILL RISE TO THE CHALLENGE AND COME BACK TO FINISH YOU OFF. THAT’S WHERE YOU CAN CORNER THEM AND PUMP THEM FULL OF NEEDLES, IF POSSIBLE. IF NOT, LET THEM RUN AWAY AND SEND A TEAMMATE AFTER THEM, UNLESS IT’S CTF OR SOMETHING AND THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY TO YOUR INTEL. IF SO, SEND OUT A WARNING TO YOUR TEAMMATES TO DISTINGUISH YOURSELF AS THAT ONE COMPETENT, HELPFUL GUY. TRUST ME. IT’S A GOOD IDEA.
ENGINEERS, PROVIDED THEY’RE NOT COWERING BEHIND THEIR SENTRIES (WHICH WILL, OF COURSE, SHRED YOU TO BITS UNLESS YOU’VE GOT AN UBER POPPED AND ACTIVE) ALSO GO DOWN REALLY EASILY WHEN YOU’VE GOT YOUR BLUTSAUGER OUT AND FIRING. BE CAREFUL OF MINISENTRY ENGIES, THOUGH. THEY’LL OFTEN DROP THE SENTRY AND RUN, LEAVING YOU TO BE SHOT DOWN BY THEIR LITTLE MECHANIZED POCKET MURDER PAL. ALWAYS SHOOT THE MINISENTRY FIRST. ALWAYS. OTHERWISE IT’LL MOW YOU DOWN WHILE YOU’RE CHASING THE ENGIE. AND GUESS WHAT, YOU GET A HEALTH REGEN FROM SHOOTING BUILDINGS, TOO! ISN’T THAT NIFTY.
THAT LEAVES MEDICS. SO IT’S YOU VERSUS YOUR COUNTERPART ON THE OTHER TEAM; A GRUDGE MATCH FOR THE AGES, CONSIDERING THAT YOU’RE BOTH PLAYING THE SAME PERSON. GENERALLY, IF YOU KEEP YOUR DISTANCE AND HAVE GOOD AIM, YOU CAN TAKE DOWN THE ENEMY MEDIC WITH THE BLUTSAUGER. UNLIKE EVERY CLASS BUT SCOUT, YOU CAN’T OUTRUN THEM. NEVERTHELESS, YOUR ODDS ARE PRETTY GOOD, UNLESS THEY’RE EQUIPPING A BLUTSAUGER TOO, IN WHICH CASE, LOL GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, SO LET’S SUM THAT UP. YOU CAN SAFELY PURSUE AND KILL OFF TWO OF THE CLASSES AT MINIMUM, FIVE AT MOST. THAT’S NOT VERY GOOD. CONSIDERING THAT YOU’RE THE TEAM’S PRIMARY HEALER (SOME WOULD SAY THE /ONLY/ HEALER, CONSIDERING THAT ENGIE CAN’T EXACTLY TOTE AROUND HIS DISPENSER AT HIGH SPEED), YOU SHOULD BE HEALING FIRST, KILLING SECOND, IN MOST CIRCUMSTANCES. NEVERTHELESS, IF YOU’RE LEAVING YOURSELF TOTALLY DEFENSELESS, THAT’S A TERRIBLE STRATEGY. YOU’LL BE LOSING PARTIAL UBERS LEFT AND RIGHT, WHICH IS FRUSTRATING AS FUCK. NOT THAT YOU SHOULD BE CHARGING INTO THE LINE OF FIRE, BUT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF IF NECESSARY.
SO HOW DO WE TAKE THE BLUTSAUGER’S HEALTH REGEN ABILITY, AND MAKE THE WEAPON AT LEAST TWICE AS USEFUL?
WE ADD A WEAPON THAT LETS YOU SEE ENEMY HEALTH.
THIS IS WHERE THE SOLEMN VOW COMES IN. FIRST THINGS FIRST, THIS GLORIOUS ANCIENT-GREEK-SHAPED HUNK OF MARBLE IS MORE THAN SUITABLE FOR BASHING ENEMIES’ HEADS IN. IT’S EVEN GOT A LITTLE “DO NO HARM” PLAQUE TO EMPHASIZE THE SWEET, SWEET IRONY OF THE BLOODSHED YOU’RE CAUSING. 
THE SOLEMN VOW IS ALSO A STRAIGHT UPGRADE TO THE BONESAW, WHICH MEANS YOU CAN GET THIS BITCHIN’ ADVANTAGE OF SEEING ENEMY HEALTH AT ABSOLUTELY NO COST TO YOU.
BUT, LET ME CLARIFY. THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE YOUR KILLING WEAPON. IF YOU HAVE THE BLUTSAUGER AT YOUR DISPOSAL AND YOU’RE CLUBBING PEOPLE TO DEATH WITH OL’ HIPPOCRATES, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. WE’LL BE USING THE SOLEMN VOW ONLY FOR ITS SEEING-ENEMY-HEALTH FEATURE, BECAUSE THIS IS, BY FAR, ONE OF THE BEST ADVANTAGES SEEN IN ANY MEDIC MELEE WEAPON IN-GAME. 
LET ME EXPLAIN WHY.
I TOLD YOU SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS BACK THAT YOU SHOULDN’T GO AFTER HEAVIES. AFTER ALL, THAT FAT PIECE OF SOVIET RUSSIA MIGHT HAVE FULL HEALTH, IN WHICH CASE YOU’RE SCREWED. BUT WHAT IF HE’S ONLY GOT A FEW HP LEFT? WONDER NO MORE; WITH THE BLUTSAUGER AND THE SOLEMN VOW, YOU CAN SEE HIS HEALTH FROM AFAR, SWOOP IN, AND MOW HIM DOWN WITH NEEDLES BEFORE HE TURNS THE MINIGUN YOUR WAY. CONGRATS, YOU KILLED A HEAVY. HOLY SHIT. 
FYI, A LITTLE TIP. THE BLUTSAUGER CAN FIRE FOR 4 SECONDS NONSTOP. RELOAD TAKES 1.6 SECONDS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO IN FOR THE KILL ON A MAJOR DAMAGE-DEALING CLASS LIKE HEAVY, MAKE SURE YOU’VE GOT A FULL CLIP (40 NEEDLES). YOU DON’T WANT TO FIRE LIKE 5 NEEDLES AND THEN HAVE TO STOP TO RELOAD. THAT’S A RECIPE FOR CERTAIN DEATH. EMPTY YOUR CLIP OR GRAB SOME FRESH AMMO BEFORE GOING IN FOR THE KILL. 
SOLDIERS AND DEMOS ARE STILL A SLIGHTLY RISKIER BET - MY RULE OF THUMB IS DON’T GO AFTER THEM IF THEY HAVE MORE THAN A THIRD OF THEIR HEALTH. (DUH. AGAIN, YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE.) ALTER THAT STANDARD AS NECESSARY; A QUARTER HEALTH IF YOU PLAY MORE CONSERVATIVELY, OR HALF IF YOU PLAY MORE OFFENSIVELY. IF YOUR POTENTIAL TARGET HAS LESS HEALTH THAN YOUR SELF-IMPOSED STANDARD (A THIRD, IN MY CASE) AND IS ALREADY ENGAGED IN COMBAT, THOUGH, FEEL FREE TO BE THE HERO; SWOOP IN AND NAIL THEM WITH THOSE NEEDLES, THEN HEAL WHATEVER TEAMMATE WAS ORIGINALLY FIGHTING THEM. SAME APPLIES TO PYROS. STAY OUT OF THE RANGE OF THEIR FLAMES (LEARN TO NAVIGATE WHILE RUNNING BACKWARDS, IT’S RIDICULOUSLY HELPFUL) AND PICK THEM OFF WITH THE BLUTSAUGER WHILE THEY’RE CHASING YOU. GRANTED, IF THEY’RE A PHLOG PYRO AND THEY POP A CRIT CHARGE WHILE PURSUING YOU, YOU’RE PROBABLY FUCKED. JUST RUN FOR YOUR LIFE THEN — YOU CAN OUTRUN PYROS, AFTER ALL. BETTER YET, LEAD THEM INTO YOUR TEAM’S ENGIE SETUP, SENTRY AND ALL. NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE SCIENTIFIC COLLABORATION.
BACK TO SPIES. THAT SPY’S HALF HEALTH, YOU’RE FIRING AT HIM, AND HE SUDDENLY FALLS TO THE GROUND, LIFELESS? OOPS, LOOK LIKE YOU CAUGHT A DEAD RINGER SPY IN THE ACT. ALERT YOUR TEAMMATES, AND CHASE HIM. THAT BASTARD ISN’T GETTING AWAY ANY MORE. VIVA LA FRANCE? MORE LIKE AUF WIEDERSEHEN, ASSHOLE.
ABOUT THAT WHOLE ALERTING-TEAMMATES THING: LET’S TALK ABOUT THE SOLEMN VOW’S SECOND USAGE. REMEMBER HOW EARLIER I SAID THAT ORCHESTRATING ENEMIES’ DEATHS DOESN’T ALWAYS INVOLVE KILLING THEM YOURSELF? YEAH, THAT’S WHERE THE SV COMES IN. IF YOU HAVE VOICE CHAT AND/OR AREN’T TERRIBLY INCLINED TO HUNT DOWN ENEMIES YOURSELF, JUST BE THAT HELPFUL BRO AND TELL YOUR TEAMMATES WHO’S WEAK ON HEALTH. PICK THEM OFF BEFORE THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT’S COMING. AS MEDIC, YOU HAVE A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE ON BATTLES SINCE YOUR JOB IS TO BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE, HEALING YOUR TEAMMATES BEFORE THEY CAN GET THEIR ASSES KICKED. MAKE USE OF THAT FACT TO THE MAX BY TELLING YOUR ALLIES WHO ON THE ENEMY TEAM IS MOST VULNERABLE, AND WATCH AS THEY SHOWER YOU IN PRAISE FOR YOUR HELPFUL ASSISTANCE. UNLESS THEY’RE UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHITS. IN THAT CASE, FIND ANOTHER SERVER. THEY DON’T DESERVE YOUR MEDIC SKILLS.*
*THE STRATEGY OF SHARING SV INFO WITH YOUR TEAMMATES ONLY WORKS IF THEY’RE COMPETENT. HENCE WHY I MENTIONED THAT THIS PLAN WORKS BOTH WAYS, IF YOUR TEAM’S GREAT OR IF THEY SUCK. IF THEY’RE GREAT, SHARE THE INFO. IF THEY SUCK, DO THE KILLING YOURSELF. JUST BE CAREFUL ABOUT IT.
FYI, I RUN THE BLUTSAUGER + SOLEMN VOW COMBO WITH THE QUICKFIX, THAT FANTASTIC, MADNESS-FUELED MEDICINE BLENDER THAT BASICALLY MAKES YOU THE MOST HELPFUL MEDIC YOUR TEAM’S EVER SEEN. YOUR STRATEGY WITH THE BLUT + SV MAY VARY DEPENDING ON WHICH MEDIGUN YOU PREFER - I’D SAY THE VACCINATOR IS YOUR SECOND BEST BET. THE MEDIGUN’S SLOW HEAL AND UBER BUILD RATE, AND THE KRITZ’S COMPARATIVE LACK OF SELF-HEAL OR PROTECTION ON UBER, MEAN THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO TEST DIFFERENT PRIMARY + MELEE COMBOS OTHER THAN WHAT I’M DESCRIBING HERE, AS THE BLUT’S LACK OF HEALTH REGEN CAN BE PROBLEMATIC FOR DEFENSE MEDICS. THERE’S PROBABLY A WAY TO MAKE THIS COMBO WORK FOR YOU, THOUGH. DON’T KNOCK IT ‘TIL YOU TRY IT.
I SHOULD ALSO NOTE THAT THE EFFICIENCY OF THIS STRATEGY IS PARTLY DEPENDENT ON WHAT GAME MODE YOU’RE PLAYING. MY OTHER MAIN CHOICE FOR MELEE IS THE VITA-SAW, SINCE I’VE GOTTEN INTO THE HABIT OF MAKING SUICIDE MEGAHEAL-UBER PUSHES IN GAME MODES LIKE PAYLOAD, AND THAT 20% SAVED UBER IS HELLA HELPFUL. HOWEVER, THIS IS MOSTLY BECAUSE I PLAY ON VALVE SERVERS WHERE I CAN’T COUNT ON AN EFFECTIVE AND SKILLED TEAM. 
ANYWAY, THE BLUT + SV STRATEGY WORKS BEST ON MAPS AND GAME MODES WHERE EVERYONE ISN’T ALL GATHERED IN ONE PLACE - SO, CTF AND SD ARE IDEAL CHOICES. KOTH ISN’T BAD, NOR IS CP. PAYLOAD TAKES SOME SKILL TO MAKE THE STRATEGY WORK (AT LEAST FOR THE ‘KILLING ENEMIES BY YOURSELF’ PORTION - SEEING ENEMY HEALTH IS ALWAYS USEFUL, NO MATTER WHAT YOU’RE PLAYING), AS DOES PAYLOAD RACE, THOUGH SLIGHTLY LESS FOR THE LATTER, SINCE THE PLAYERS ARE MORE SCATTERED. IDK ABOUT MOONBASE, I DON’T PLAY IT MUCH. 
AS FOR A/D (AND CP IN GENERAL), ON MAPS LIKE STANDIN, JUNCTION, GRAVELPIT, ETC - WHERE THERE ARE MULTIPLE POINTS UP FOR CAPTURE AT ONE TIME - THE BLUT + SV WILL INCREASE IN EFFICIENCY PROPORTIONALLY, RATHER THAN MAPS WHERE IT’S ONE CAPTURE POINT AT A TIME. THE MORE ENEMIES ATTACK YOU AT ONCE, THE LOWER YOUR ODDS THAT YOU CAN JUST KILL ONE OF THEM OFF AND RUN AWAY. BUT WHEN IT’S ONE VERSUS ONE - YOU VERSUS THAT SNEAKY BASTARD WHO’S TRYING TO CAP YOUR POINT - YOU HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE. 
THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS STRATEGY, REALLY. IT TAKES MEDIC, A CLASS THAT’S NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR ABILITY TO KILL AND DEFEND THEMSELF, AND MAKES THAT CLASS ONE OF THE MOST RELIABLY LETHAL IN COMBAT, PROVIDED YOU CHOOSE YOUR TARGETS WISELY. GET READY AND STRAP ON YOUR SEATBELT, MEIN FREUND, BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING RIGHT TO THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD.
ALL OF THIS ASIDE, DON’T FORGET TO HEAL. DON’T BE THAT IDIOT WHO DOESN’T HEAL THEIR TEAM. BUT IF YOU’RE CAUGHT ALONE, YOU WANT A WAY TO BE ABLE TO SAFELY ASSESS SITUATIONS AND MOVE IN FOR THE KILL IF THAT’S THE SMART THING TO DO. HENCE, THE BLUTSAUGER AND SOLEMN VOW COMBO. IT LETS YOU MAKE INTELLIGENT DECISIONS ABOUT WHEN TO ATTACK AND WHEN TO RETREAT, AND GENERALLY KEEPS YOU ALIVE LONGER SO YOU CAN STAY WITH YOUR TEAM AND DO WHAT YOU WERE MEANT TO DO — LEAD THEM TO VICTORY.
HAVE FUN, AND HAPPY HUNTING.
-HERR

P.S. HAVEN’T GOT A BLUTSAUGER OR SOLEMN VOW? NO PROBLEM. MEET YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND, SCRAPWH.COM, AND GO FORTH AND AIM THOSE NEEDLES WITH PRIDE.

FULL DISCLOSURE: THIS IS LONG. AWESOME, BUT LONG.

FOR SOME GODDAMNED REASON, TUMBLR ISN’T LETTING ME PUT A “READ MORE” CUT THINGY ON THIS, SO Y’ALL ARE GETTING THE ENTIRE POST AT ONCE! THIS IS EASILY THE LONGEST SUBMISSION WE’VE EVER GOTTEN, BUT IT’S ONE OF THE BEST, SO STICK WITH IT. KINDA SORRY FOR CLOGGING UP Y’ALLS DASHES. OH FUCKIN’ WELL.

EDITT: FIXED IT, NOW THIS SHIT AIN’T CLOGGING YOUR DASH ANYMORE. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ WELCOME.

THANKS TO HERRCOLONEL FOR THE BEST MEDIC POST EVER MADE ON THIS GOD DAMNED WEBSITE.

BARD™

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. LET’S SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT THE BLUTSAUGER (WHICH IS GERMAN FOR “I VILL STEAL YOUR HEALTH”) AND THE SOLEMN VOW (ALSO KNOWN AS THE BUST OF HIPPOCRATES, AKA THE GUY WHO SAID DO NO HARM.)

HAHA, FUCK THAT. WE’RE GOING TO BE HARMING PEOPLE TODAY.

BEFORE I START, KEEP THIS IN MIND: THIS LOADOUT WORKS TWO WAYS — IF YOUR TEAM IS GREAT, AND IF YOUR TEAM IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. YES, IT WORKS FOR BOTH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. SO IF YOU LIKE TO STOMP AROUND VALVE PUBS IN THE HOPE OF ENLIGHTENING YOUR HAPLESS PEERS ABOUT THE GLORY OF COMPETENTLY PLAYING MEDIC, OR IF YOU PREFER TO PLAY ON SERVERS WITH PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO AIM A WEAPON, IT WORKS FOR BOTH. IF YOU’RE SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE, IT WORKS TOO. YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS LOADOUT WORKS NO MATTER WHAT FOR ANY TYPE OF OFFENSE MEDIC.

NOW, BY OFFENSE MEDIC, I’M NOT TALKING BATTLE MEDIC, I.E. DITCHING YOUR TEAMMATES TO GO DRAW BLOOD IN A MORE VIOLENT KIND OF WAY THAN THEY DO IN HOSPITALS. BUT BEING AN OFFENSE MEDIC INVOLVES KNOWING HOW TO ORGANIZE EFFECTIVE KILLS. NOTE THAT THAT DOESN’T NECESSARILY MEAN DOING THE KILLING YOURSELF. MORE ON THAT LATER.

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE, THERE’S A HANDY LITTLE SFM ILLUSTRATION OF WHAT YOU’LL LOOK LIKE WITH THIS LOADOUT, UP AT THE TOP OF THIS POST. SEE THAT LOOK ON MEDIC’S FACE? THAT LOOK OF COLD, MERCILESS TEUTONIC VENGEANCE? YEAH, YOUR ENEMIES ARE GOING TO GET USED TO SEEING THAT IN THEIR KILLCAMS.*

*I’M NOT KIDDING. SOMEBODY GRABBED A SCREENCAP OF ME IN THEIR KILLCAM. SEE? SAME EXPRESSION. NO ONE ROCKS THAT LOOK OF RIGHTFUL ANGER LIKE A SUITABLY ENRAGED MEDIC. NO ONE.

SCROLL BACK UP FOR A MINUTE. STUDY THAT GLORIOUS BLUTSAUGER + SOLEMN VOW MEDIC.

AFTER YOU STUDY THE GLORIOUSNESS, COME BACK AND…

Read More

Anonymous said: I wish more people remembered that clearing a path does not necessarily mean killing everyone. It can just mean scattering your enemies, such as when everyone runs from a Minigun. Just scaring the enemy will make you a true credit to team!

REAL MVP IS ALWAYS, IN ORDER: DISPENSER, TELEPORTER, MEDIC, UBER PATIENT. 

REAL MVP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THEIR K/D OR POINTS.

TF2 IS 50% PSYCHOLOGICAL, 50% BULLETS. THAT’S WHY THE OLD STORY OF A SPY DISGUISING AS A HEAVY AND A MEDIC UBERING HIM TO CLEAR A POINT WORKS. BECAUSE TF2 IS AN INCREDIBLY TACTICAL SHOOTER, EVEN MORESO THAN MOST “REALISTIC” AND “TACTICAL” SHOOTERS TODAY. IT’S THE DOTA 2 OF FPS GAMES, AND IT’S NO COINCIDENCE THAT THEY’RE BOTH MADE BY THE SAME COMPANY.

IN THE “STANDARD ISSUE PYRO” POST FROM A WHILE AGO, THE POINT THAT IF YOU MAKE AN ENEMY RUN BACK TO THEIR SPAWN TO GET BACK TO FULL HEALTH AND AMMO, THEN THAT IS FUNCTIONALLY THE SAME AS KILLING THEM WAS MADE. I HOLD THAT POINT VERY NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART AND OTHER ORGANS WHEN I PLAY TF2, AND THAT MEANS THAT WHILE I’M NOT ALWAYS THE TEAM MVP IN POINTS (THOUGH I USUALLY AM BECAUSE I FUCKING ROCK AT THIS GAME), THE TEAM I’M ON ALMOST UNIVERSALLY WINS, UNLESS THE REST OF MY TEAM SUCKS, WHICH IS REAL COMMON. 

IT AIN’T ABOUT THE KILLS, CHIDDLINS. IT’S ABOUT THE WINS. LOSE THE BATTLE, SURE, BUT DAMN WELL MAKE IT A PYRRHIC VICTORY, AND WIN THE WAR. 

USUALLY, TO GET THE WINS YOU NEED THE KILLS. BUT AS STATED BEFORE, SOME THINGS ARE WORSE FOR THE ENEMY THAN KILLING THEM OUTRIGHT. KNOW YOUR #TACTICS, AND THINK LONG-TERM MATCH-WISE WHEN PLAYING TF2. 

BARD™

Anonymous said: What would you recommend as a good loadout if you're going huntsman sniper?

IT DEPENDS. THERE’S TWO WAYS TO RUN HUNTSMAN SNIPER: SNIPER, AND BATTLESNIPER. SNIPER IS, WELL, SNIPER. YOU SNIPE WITH THE HUNTSMAN. FOR THAT I’D GO FOR SOMETHING LIKE THE SMG AND TRIBALMAN’S SHIV, OR IF YOUR QUICKSHOT SKILLS WITH THE HUNTSMAN ARE ON PAR, THE DANGER SHIELD AND SHAHANSHAH. 

FOR BATTLESNIPER, WHICH IS JUST YOU JUMPING INTO THE FRAY TO GET YOUR #MURDER ON, I’D DEFINITELY GO JARATE AND BUSHWACKA. THAT’S A BRUTAL COMBO, AND MINICRIT ARROWS WRECK SHIT REAL NICE.

BARD™

FUCK LIFE

OKAY, SO THE LOCH POST IS COMING VERY SHORTLY. I’VE BEEN WORKING A FUCK TON LATELY, AND MY JOB IS SUPER PHYSICALLY DEMANDING, SO I HAVEN’T HAD THE ENERGY LATELY TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE A COHERENT POST. 

IT’S COMING, CHIDDLINS. IT’S COMING.

BARD™

racwade said: THIS HAS BEEN BUGGING ME FOR A WHILE: HOW DOES ONE USE THE BOSTON BASHER AND NOT BE SHIT WITH IT? EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE IT, AND YET NOBODY I'VE ENCOUNTERED ON PUBS WITH IT SEEMS TO BE ANY GOOD WITH IT.

THE TRICK IS NOT TO SWING IT WILDLY LIKE A JACKASS, LIKE YOU’D DO WITH OTHER SCOUT MELEES. YOU WHIP IT OUT, SWING ONCE, AND HAVE IT CONNECT TO THE ENEMY. YOU DON’T GENERALLY NEED MORE THAN ONE SWING, BECAUSE WHEN THEY’RE BLEEDING FROM IT YOU SHOULD BE MURDERING THEM WITH YOUR PRIMARY, OR WATCHING THEM RETREAT AND USE UP HEALTH PACKS AND LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY.

BARD™

Anonymous said: heplful tip; you can stop demo charging in middle of it by pressing alt + f4

^

BARD