SO I GOT ASKED TO WRITE ABOUT THE EYELANDER AND I FIGURED, YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M GOING TO TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. YOU READY BABY? CAUSE I’M ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND. LET’S TALK JUMPERKNIGHT.
BUT FIRST, THE OVERVIEW OF THE EYELANDER, WHICH IS A BIG-ASS SWORD THAT THE DEMO CAN USE. THIS BITCH IS FUCKING HUGE, AND IT’S GOT A WAY LONGER MELEE RANGE. HOW MUCH LONGER? SOURCES SAY 37%, BUT IT FEELS LIKE EVEN MORE. POINT IS, YOU’RE GONNA HIT MOFOS FURTHER AWAY. SHIT’S HAUNTED THOUGH, SO IT CUTS OFF 25 OF YOUR HIT POINTS AND DOESN’T RANDOMLY CRIT. FEAR NOT THOUGH, MY LITTLE HAUNTED BABY DUDES! EVERY TIME YOU CUT A MOTHERFUCKER’S HEAD OFF, YOU GET AN EXTRA 15 POINTS STUCK ON YOUR BASE HEALTH AND YOUR SPEED INCREASES BY 8%. THIS WORKS UP TO FOUR HEADS, MEANING THAT YOUR MAX MOVEMENT SPEED WITH 4 HEADS IS ALMOST 370 HU/SEC (AS OPPOSED TO YOUR BASE 280 HU/SEC, AND THE SCOUT’S 400 HU/SEC) AND YOUR MAX HEALTH IS 210…IF YOU DON’T EQUIP EITHER OF THE BOOT ITEMS. WITH THE WEE BOOTIES OR THE BOOTLEGGER EQUIPPED, THE INITIAL HEALTH DECREASE IS COMPLETELY NEGATED, MEANING YOUR MAX BOOSTED HEALTH WILL BE AN UNFUCKABLE 235. ON TOP OF ALL THAT GOOD SHIT, EVERY HEAD YOU COLLECT (UP TO 5) INCREASES THE DAMAGE OF YOUR SHIELD BASH BY 20%, MEANING YOU CAN DOUBLE ITS DAMAGE IF YOU GET ON A ROLL.
SO, WHAT WAS THAT SHIT ABOUT JUMPERKNIGHTS? WELL, IF YOU’RE EVER IN THE MOOD TO BE A MAD, FLYING DRUNK THAT ESCHEWS ANY SORT OF RANGED COMBAT OPTIONS OR CHARGING ABILITY IN FAVOR OF THINGS LIKE MID-AIR DECAPITATIONS, DIVEBOMBING SNIPERS AND KILLING THEM BEFORE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO DESCOPE, AND FUCKING EVERY OTHER PLAYER IN THE ASSHOLE LIKE AN ASSHOLE FUCKING MACHINE TO WHICH THINGS LIKE TENDERNESS ARE LOST, I HAVE THE PERFECT LOADOUT FOR A CRAZY FUCKER SUCH AS YOURSELF.YOUR LOADOUT’S GONNA BE THE WEE BOOTIES OR THE BOOTLEGGER, ALONG WITH THE STICKY JUMPER AND THE EYELANDER. ESSENTIALLY, YOUR MAIN STRATEGY WILL BE AS FOLLOWS:

HOP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS INTO THE AIR WITH SOME STICKIES.


IDENTIFY A TARGET. YOUR IDEAL TARGETS AS JUMPERKNIGHT ARE ENEMIES UNAWARE OF YOUR PRESENCE, WITH MEDIUM-LOW MAX HEALTH, AND AWAY FROM CLUSTERS OF ENEMIES—THIS MAKES SNIPERS A PRIME TARGET.


FLY TO THEM, MY SONS.


SWING THAT SWORD. IF YOU’RE GOOD, YOU CAN GET THE FIRST HIT IN BEFORE YOU LAND, WHICH GIVES THE ENEMY LESS TIME TO REACT.


DECAPITATE


STICKYJUMP AWAY TO HEAL UP FROM THE FALL/COMBAT DAMAGE.


LATHER, RINSE, JACK OFF, REPEAT.

ONCE YOU’VE GOT 4 HEADS, YOU CAN START PLAYING A LITTLE MORE RECKLESS. MAYBE GO AFTER TWO GUYS AT ONCE, OR TAKE ON A SOLDIER. AT THAT POINT YOU’RE FAST ENOUGH TO DODGE A LOT OF ATTACKS, AND YOUR MAX HEALTH (235, IN CASE YOU FUCKING FORGOT) MEANS YOU CAN TAKE SOME SERIOUS HITS BEFORE YOU GO DOWN. ONCE YOU’VE HIT THAT MAX HEALTH CAP, KEEP IN MIND THAT A DECAPITATION WILL STILL HEAL YOU BY 15 HEALTH, SO IF YOU SEE AN UNAWARE DUDE AND YOU’RE HURTING FOR HEALTH, IT MIGHT BE SMART TO TAKE A FEW INCHES OFF THE TOP OF HIM.
THERE’S ANOTHER LEVEL OF VALUE TO IT, THOUGH. IF YOU GET 5 HEADS USING THE SET, CONSIDER SWAPPING OUT THE JUMPER FOR THE SPLENDID SCREEN—IT DEALS 170 BASH DAMAGE DURING A CHARGE AT ANY RANGE WITH 5 HEADS, AND IF YOU ATTACKED FROM THE RIGHT DISTANCE YOU CAN FOLLOW UP WITH A NICE, HOT CRIT. THE BIG DISADVANTAGE, OF COURSE, IS LOSING YOUR ABILITY TO FLY, BUT YOU DON’T NEED THAT QUITE AS MUCH ANYMORE. SEE, THE BIGGEST WEAKNESS OF THE BOOTS/SCREEN/EYELANDER SET IS THAT IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO COLLECT HEADS IF YOU DON’T ALREADY HAVE THEM. JUMPERKNIGHTS CAN PRETTY EASILY QUICKLY COLLECT HEADS, THEN SWITCH TO THE MORE EFFECTIVE BOOTS/SCREEN/EYELANDER SET TO DISH OUT SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE.

OR YOU CAN BE A FUCKING LUNATIC AND JUST FLY FOREVER LIKE ME

SO I GOT ASKED TO WRITE ABOUT THE EYELANDER AND I FIGURED, YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M GOING TO TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. YOU READY BABY? CAUSE I’M ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND. LET’S TALK JUMPERKNIGHT.

BUT FIRST, THE OVERVIEW OF THE EYELANDER, WHICH IS A BIG-ASS SWORD THAT THE DEMO CAN USE. THIS BITCH IS FUCKING HUGE, AND IT’S GOT A WAY LONGER MELEE RANGE. HOW MUCH LONGER? SOURCES SAY 37%, BUT IT FEELS LIKE EVEN MORE. POINT IS, YOU’RE GONNA HIT MOFOS FURTHER AWAY. SHIT’S HAUNTED THOUGH, SO IT CUTS OFF 25 OF YOUR HIT POINTS AND DOESN’T RANDOMLY CRIT. FEAR NOT THOUGH, MY LITTLE HAUNTED BABY DUDES! EVERY TIME YOU CUT A MOTHERFUCKER’S HEAD OFF, YOU GET AN EXTRA 15 POINTS STUCK ON YOUR BASE HEALTH AND YOUR SPEED INCREASES BY 8%. THIS WORKS UP TO FOUR HEADS, MEANING THAT YOUR MAX MOVEMENT SPEED WITH 4 HEADS IS ALMOST 370 HU/SEC (AS OPPOSED TO YOUR BASE 280 HU/SEC, AND THE SCOUT’S 400 HU/SEC) AND YOUR MAX HEALTH IS 210…IF YOU DON’T EQUIP EITHER OF THE BOOT ITEMS. WITH THE WEE BOOTIES OR THE BOOTLEGGER EQUIPPED, THE INITIAL HEALTH DECREASE IS COMPLETELY NEGATED, MEANING YOUR MAX BOOSTED HEALTH WILL BE AN UNFUCKABLE 235. ON TOP OF ALL THAT GOOD SHIT, EVERY HEAD YOU COLLECT (UP TO 5) INCREASES THE DAMAGE OF YOUR SHIELD BASH BY 20%, MEANING YOU CAN DOUBLE ITS DAMAGE IF YOU GET ON A ROLL.

SO, WHAT WAS THAT SHIT ABOUT JUMPERKNIGHTS? WELL, IF YOU’RE EVER IN THE MOOD TO BE A MAD, FLYING DRUNK THAT ESCHEWS ANY SORT OF RANGED COMBAT OPTIONS OR CHARGING ABILITY IN FAVOR OF THINGS LIKE MID-AIR DECAPITATIONS, DIVEBOMBING SNIPERS AND KILLING THEM BEFORE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO DESCOPE, AND FUCKING EVERY OTHER PLAYER IN THE ASSHOLE LIKE AN ASSHOLE FUCKING MACHINE TO WHICH THINGS LIKE TENDERNESS ARE LOST, I HAVE THE PERFECT LOADOUT FOR A CRAZY FUCKER SUCH AS YOURSELF.YOUR LOADOUT’S GONNA BE THE WEE BOOTIES OR THE BOOTLEGGER, ALONG WITH THE STICKY JUMPER AND THE EYELANDER. ESSENTIALLY, YOUR MAIN STRATEGY WILL BE AS FOLLOWS:

  1. HOP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS INTO THE AIR WITH SOME STICKIES.

  2. IDENTIFY A TARGET. YOUR IDEAL TARGETS AS JUMPERKNIGHT ARE ENEMIES UNAWARE OF YOUR PRESENCE, WITH MEDIUM-LOW MAX HEALTH, AND AWAY FROM CLUSTERS OF ENEMIES—THIS MAKES SNIPERS A PRIME TARGET.

  3. FLY TO THEM, MY SONS.

  4. SWING THAT SWORD. IF YOU’RE GOOD, YOU CAN GET THE FIRST HIT IN BEFORE YOU LAND, WHICH GIVES THE ENEMY LESS TIME TO REACT.

  5. DECAPITATE

  6. STICKYJUMP AWAY TO HEAL UP FROM THE FALL/COMBAT DAMAGE.

  7. LATHER, RINSE, JACK OFF, REPEAT.

ONCE YOU’VE GOT 4 HEADS, YOU CAN START PLAYING A LITTLE MORE RECKLESS. MAYBE GO AFTER TWO GUYS AT ONCE, OR TAKE ON A SOLDIER. AT THAT POINT YOU’RE FAST ENOUGH TO DODGE A LOT OF ATTACKS, AND YOUR MAX HEALTH (235, IN CASE YOU FUCKING FORGOT) MEANS YOU CAN TAKE SOME SERIOUS HITS BEFORE YOU GO DOWN. ONCE YOU’VE HIT THAT MAX HEALTH CAP, KEEP IN MIND THAT A DECAPITATION WILL STILL HEAL YOU BY 15 HEALTH, SO IF YOU SEE AN UNAWARE DUDE AND YOU’RE HURTING FOR HEALTH, IT MIGHT BE SMART TO TAKE A FEW INCHES OFF THE TOP OF HIM.

THERE’S ANOTHER LEVEL OF VALUE TO IT, THOUGH. IF YOU GET 5 HEADS USING THE SET, CONSIDER SWAPPING OUT THE JUMPER FOR THE SPLENDID SCREEN—IT DEALS 170 BASH DAMAGE DURING A CHARGE AT ANY RANGE WITH 5 HEADS, AND IF YOU ATTACKED FROM THE RIGHT DISTANCE YOU CAN FOLLOW UP WITH A NICE, HOT CRIT. THE BIG DISADVANTAGE, OF COURSE, IS LOSING YOUR ABILITY TO FLY, BUT YOU DON’T NEED THAT QUITE AS MUCH ANYMORE. SEE, THE BIGGEST WEAKNESS OF THE BOOTS/SCREEN/EYELANDER SET IS THAT IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO COLLECT HEADS IF YOU DON’T ALREADY HAVE THEM. JUMPERKNIGHTS CAN PRETTY EASILY QUICKLY COLLECT HEADS, THEN SWITCH TO THE MORE EFFECTIVE BOOTS/SCREEN/EYELANDER SET TO DISH OUT SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE.

OR YOU CAN BE A FUCKING LUNATIC AND JUST FLY FOREVER LIKE ME