COME HERE TO GET EDUCATED ON TF2 WEAPONS, BITCH

NO LOVE FOR THE QUICK FIX? YOU’RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.

FUCK THIS GUN.  FUCK IT AND ALL OF ITS LOVED ONES I HEAR EVERYONE CRYING ALL THE TIME.

HOW ABOUT YOU STOP BEING A PANSY THAT HIDES BEHIND OVERHEALING AND LISTEN UP.

THIS SPRING-OF-HEALING-IN-A-CAN RIGHT HERE IS CALLED THE QUICK FIX, AND ITS NAME IS PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY – IT FIXES SHIT QUICKLY.  NOT BUILDINGS, MIND YOU, PEOPLE.  PEOPLE ARE WHAT THE QUICK FIX FIXES.  THIS MARVELOUS CONTRAPTION, HOWEVER MARVELOUS, CAN NOT OVERHEAL.  HOWEVER, IT HEALS 40% FASTER THAN THE DEFAULT MEDI GUN AND BUILDS THE UBERCHARGE 25% FASTER.  NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU MOVE AS FAST AS YOUR PATIENT IF THEY’RE FASTER THAN YOU, AND YOU CAN MOTHER FUCKING ROCKET JUMP WHEN HEALING A SOLDIER OR DEMOMAN.  JUST DON’T BE ON THE GROUND WHEN THEY POP INTO THE AIR, OR YOU’RE GONNA BE TAKING FALLING DAMAGE FOR NO GODDAMNED GAIN WHEN YOU LAUNCH STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR AND FALL STRAIGHT BACK DOWN.

NOW, THIS THING IS NOT POCKET MATERIAL.  YOU SHOULD NEVER EVEN CONTEMPLATE POCKETING WITH THIS THING.  IF YOU FIND YOURSELF POCKETING ANYONE AT ALL WITH THE QUICK FIX, TOSS IT INTO A FIRE AND SWITCH BACK TO THE VANILLA MEDI GUN, IT’S WHAT YOU USE BEST.  GOT THAT?  NEVER POCKET WITH THIS BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.  

THE PROPER AND SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN BEST WAY TO USE THE QUICK FIX IS TO HEAL AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.  IF YOU’RE ON THE BACK LINES AT THE TIME, HEAL UP EVERY BIT OF HEALTH YOU CAN FOR ALL OF YOUR TEAM MATES SO THEY CAN GET OFF THEIR ASSES AND GET BACK INTO THE FRAY.  IF YOU’RE ON THE FRONT LINES, DO THE SAME GODDAMNED THING, ONLY FASTER.

“BUT THE HEAL RATE IS TOO SLOW TO KEEP FIVE PLAYERS ALIVE IN COMBAT!” I HEAR YOU CRY.  WELL GUESS WHAT, THE UBERCHARGE FIXES THAT PROBLEM.  INSTEAD OF GRANTING PUSSY-FOOTED INVINCIBILITY OR PANSY-INFESTED REDUCED DAMAGE WHICH ONLY KEEPS ONE PERSON ALIVE, IT BOOSTS UP YOUR HEALING OUTPUT BY 300% OF THE QUICK FIX’S NORMAL HEALING RATE.  DO YOU KNOW HOW BLINDINGLY FAST THAT IS?  "REALLY FUCKING FAST" SQUARED, THAT’S HOW FAST.  IT WON’T MATTER HOW MANY BULLETS FLY THEIR WAY IF YOU’RE QUICK ON THE DRAW (THAT IS, KNOWING WHEN TO SWITCH TO YOUR OTHER TEAM MATES).  NOT ONLY WILL IT SPARE YOUR TEAM SOME RESPAWN TIMES, BUT IT KEEPS YOU HEALED TOO AS LONG AS YOU’RE ACTIVELY HEALING SOMEONE ELSE, SO IT’LL SPARE YOU SOME RESPAWN TIMES TOO.

HOWEVER, THE QUICK FIX IS NOT EFFECTIVE AT ALL AGAINST CRITS OR KRITZ-CHARGED ENEMIES.  THOSE THINGS WILL TEAR YOU A COUPLE OF NEW ASSHOLES, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THE HEAL RATE IS SO FAST IT CREATES A SONIC BOOM, IT’S USELESS IF DAMAGE IS DEALT FASTER THAN IT CAN HEAL OR IF IT TAKES OUT ALL OF YOUR HEALTH OR YOUR PATIENTS’ HEALTH WITH ONE HIT ANYWAY.  (NOTE: PATIENTS’ NOT PATIENT’S)

YOU, AS THE QUICK FIX MEDIC, ARE NOT GEARED UP FOR COMBAT.  YOU ARE THERE TO HEAL TEAM MATES AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.  ONLY USE THE UBER ON A SINGLE TEAM MATE IF IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO SAVE THEIR OR YOUR RESPECTIVE ASSES.  REMEMBER, THE UBERCHARGE BUILDS 25% FASTER THAN THE NORMAL MEDI GUN, AND YOU WON’T GET PENALTIES ON BUILDING UBER FOR HEALING THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE YOU DON’T OVERHEAL.  THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN POCKET, ONLY HEAL A SINGLE PERSON IF NO ONE ELSE IS HURT.  TIMES IT IS OKAY TO HEAL A SINGLE PERSON INCLUDE: 1) HEALING A SCOUT OR SOLDIER TO GET TO THE FRONT LINES FASTER.  2) THERE IS ONLY ONE TEAM MATE WITHIN FIFTY YARDS OF YOU.  3) YOU NEED TO POP AN UBER TO KEEP YOUR HEALTH UP AND LATCH ONTO A SCOUT TO RUN AWAY FROM AN UBERED HEAVY/SOLDIER/ANYTHING.

THE MEDIEVAL MEDIC WEAPONS ARE INCREDIBLY SYNERGISTIC WITH THE QUICK FIX.  ALL THREE OF THE WEAPONS (THE COCKBLOCKER’S CROSSBOW, THE FIX-DICKS, AND THE AMPUTATOR.  I DON’T HAVE A SILLY NAME FOR THE AMPUTATOR) CAN HEAL ANY TEAM MATE TO FULL HEALTH WITHIN SECONDS, BUT LACK OVERHEAL.  OF COURSE, IF YOUR TEAM IS COMPETENT ENOUGH TO FIGHT WITHOUT BEING OVERHEALED, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.  CAN’T RISK GOING INTO A CROWD WITH THE QUICK FIX, OR EVERYONE IS TOO BUNCHED UP?  RISK A COUPLE OF SECONDS BY TAUNTING WITH THE AMPUTATOR.  FUCKERS TOO FAR AWAY?  CRUSADER’S CROSSBOW.  EVERYTHING PERFECTLY NORMAL?  BUILD UP THAT UBERCHARGE BY HEALING WITH THE QUICK FIX YOU DOLT.

NOW, DID I CONVINCE YOU FUCKERS TO STOP WHINING ABOUT THE QUICK FIX SUCKING, OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO DOMINATE YOU BY HEALING AN ENTIRE TEAM WITH ONE?

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YO, ONE COMMENT FROM ME–THE UBERCHARGE NEGATES THINGS LIKE KNOCKBACK AND SLOWDOWN, SO IT CAN ACTUALLY BE MORE EFFECTIVE FOR BUSTING SENTRIES IF THE PLACEMENT IS ESPECIALLY DEVIOUS.